Wednesday, March 20, 2024

Completely Broken

Hi Friends, it’s been a while.  

I wish I could say that I’ve been missing in action because I’ve been off living this wonderful life and I’ve been far too busy doing magical things to write.  But that’s not the reason I haven’t been around.  I honestly haven’t been able to figure out how to even put everything into words, but I think it’s time that I stop by and check in.  After months of debating how (and when) to explain my extended absence, I think I've settled on the fact that direct is best.  So here goes...  

Seven months and one week ago, my entire world shattered with a simple phone call in the middle of the night.  My Dad had collapsed on his way back to bed after getting up to use the bathroom.  The paramedics did everything they could, but it wasn’t enough.  Just like that, the man who has been there with me for my entire life and by my side for everything… was gone.

To say that these past few months have been hard would be too simple; it’s been hell.  

I think that I’m ok one second, and then it’s clearly apparent that I’m not.  I don’t really like to talk about it much.  (And for a talker like me, that's really when you know there's something going on.)  Those of you who follow my social media accounts (Facebook & Instagram) have probably noticed the rollercoaster of emotions that I’ve been riding... and unfortunately for me, I don’t think I’ll be getting off anytime soon. 

Three weeks ago, I was dealt another crushing blow.  It’s personal and I don’t want to talk about it on here, but it’s been eating me up and tearing me up for the past three weeks.  And I’ve been trying to play everything off like I’m ok but I’m not.

This afternoon, it became painfully obvious to me that I’m completely broken.  I feel like a shell of who I once was.  And I don’t know how to get her back.  I’m just trying to take one day at a time, but I’m lonely.  And I’m hurt.  And I’m angry.  And I’m sad.

I keep trying to give myself grace to deal with everything that life has dealt me lately, but I’m struggling.  I’m trying so hard, but anyone who really knows me well enough can tell that my hard exterior is cracked.  The facade of me “being ok” to the outside world is slowly crumbling.  And I don’t really want to sit there and smile like everything is ok anymore.  Wearing a mask is exhausting... 

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m alive and I’m still around even if I haven’t checked in here lately.  I’m not feeling so magical at the moment, but I’m trying to find those little moments of magic.  I cling on to them now more than ever.  

I probably won’t be here as often as I once was, but I’m hoping that one day I’ll get back into the groove of writing.  But for now, my daily social media posts seem to be all I can muster.  I hope that you all will understand and that you’ll be patient with me.

Wishing you all the best. °o°

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