Happy 90th Birthday Papa

Well, here we are... on a day that used to bring me such love and light.  I haven't been looking forward to it this year.  Not one bit.  Not at all actually... 

Today would have been my Papa's 90th birthday.

Today also marks the exact date that Nana's been gone for two months... 

So no, today isn't really something that I've been looking forward to.  It's been a dark mark on the calendar that we have slowly been marching towards.  But it's here now...

Man, this week has really sucked.  I keep trying to find the bright side of things, but my optimism is kind of failing me.  I just can't get out of the funk this week.  I keep trying to tell myself that at least Nana and Papa are together again.  But all that makes me think is that I wish they were together here with us.  Then I get sad, angry, and depressed... 

Then the cycle begins all over again.

Eliot and I still haven't seen my parents since Christmas.  So much has happened and we haven't even gotten that over with.  We've seen Eliot's family who lives in California twice in the time since we saw Mom and Dad.  Jeremy has been home twice already... so he's already gotten the whole seeing our parents and 'going home to the house without Nana in it anymore' thing over with... twice.  I feel like I'm sitting outside of this secret society just waiting for the moment when we'll have our time.

The moment when this is all real and not some horrible bad dream.  The moment when my heart is completely shattered into a million little pieces.

Yeah... super looking forward to that.  Not.

Grief hits everyone differently, and I know that I'm not immune.  For the most part, I have basically tried to repress any feelings that I've had.  It's probably not healthy, but I really don't know what else to do.  I can't change the fact that Nana isn't here with us anymore.  I'm comforted knowing she was almost 90 and that she lived a wonderful life.  I also feel proud that we did so much with her after Papa died.  She could have given up but instead she went to Walt Disney World again, twice.  We took her on not one, but two Disney Cruises.  We also drove with her to Virginia and back.

I'm ok with the fact that my 90 year old grandmother lived her life to the fullest and that it was her time to go.  But I'm struggling with other things that I probably shouldn't be.  

I'm definitely taking the Timo Meier trade harder than I should be.  And I know that it's misplaced grief, or whatever the fancy term for it is.  Eliot told me the other day that I've cried more about Timo being traded than I did about Nana dying... and that made me cry even more.  Because even though the two have absolutely nothing to do with each other, somehow, they're completely intertwined in my pile of grief.  Losing Timo from the Sharks isn't the end of the world... but when I was already feeling fragile to begin with, it was devastating.  And I can't seem to untangle it.

I'm trying to be kind to myself.  I cognitively know that grief is a rollercoaster that you just have to buckle up for.  It hits in waves that you won't see coming.

And the only small solace that I can find in this complete pile of hell, is that today used to be a day filled with joy.  My Nana and Papa were everything to me.  And although they are gone now, I have so many wonderful memories with them that I cherish.

Happy 90th Birthday Papa.  I hope you and Nana are celebrating together with lots of playful bickering, laughter and chocolate cake.  We miss you both terribly and wish you were here.  But I'm glad that you're at least together.  I love you.  °o°